Wednesday, February 15, 2006

10 steps to Bloggingham Palace

Things at work have been pretty up and down lately and Revit is so slow I spend most of my time staring at that blue bar at the bottom of the screen guessing what percentage is going to come up. After hours of glazed-over stares we've become acquainted.

Classy isn't he?

Other things I've taken to have been reading other blogs. In this month's issue of Cleo (ok before you laugh- there was nothing else at 7/11-ok!) They had an article on Singapore bloggers. So I checked it out.

After reading a few, okay, quite a few posts of these super popular blogs (we're talking hits in the 6 digits per day here) I've come up with a few rules, once followed gain you Bloggingham Supremacy so read carefully:

1. Be a girl. Okay this may have something to do with the overly girly magazine I read this in but I have to say a vast majority of the links from the said blogs are other girl bloggers. (note the word girl: i.e of a young, cutesy, age - but more importantly: grossly naive)

2. Be hot. Not too easy to achieve if you aren't hot already but remember: in the land of the slim, tiny is king. This will contribute to point no.3 so bear with me. On top of this, it is imperative that you display as much of your Sentosa-ed skin as possible. Whether it be in belts worn as skirts or cleavage baring tops strapped precariously by a few stands of floss to your tofu skin (is what my friend Sam calls the skin on the girls here who are really skinny but as soon as you touch them its really fatty and, well, like tofu) or together whatever the weather. Boots in the tropics? thats hot. *cough* Super velvety high heeled boots in our rainy climate? ooh thats hot.

3. Take pictures. In order for the adoring public to know you are a.a girl and, there must be evidence. Do it EVERYWHERE. on the bus, on the MRT, in the mirror or the most popular - in front of your computer. Evidently your pouty lips and fake eyelashes are best caught by light from the flat screen daddy bought. Of course the high position of your camera shoots from the most flattering of angles-above. Taking pictures rule #1:Your surroundings are secondary, YOU are primo supremo. got it?

4. Edit edit edit. Pictures don't always come out great but to secure your blog amongst the elite, you must portray yourself to be of perfect porcelain skin with breasts-a-heaving. Get photoshop -an investment soon recovered as soon as you are endorsed and start advertising on your blog.

5. Have an entourage. Your best friend is most important, she/he must be less hot than you (no brainer) or gay. That is the extent of his/her purpose. Oh and of course to help take photos of you.

6. Be spoilt. Throw your money around then display photographs of your car/handphone/house etc etc oh and don't forget details like your always manicured/pedicured digits cluthing your brand new Gucci purchase. This also means that you are only allowed to be photographed/seen at the coolest clubs/bars in town because daddy only wants the best for his wee precious-no?

7. Be 'controversial'. Easily done in conservative Singapore so no excuses here. There is no such thing as being too over the top. Be ageist, racist and insult as many people as possible, and while you're at it- insult the old bin lady outside. Now repeat after me: stick head out of window and scream Listen here all you Crazyass Morons who take my trash out, quit being so F*cking old and do it faster because it stinks in here. It stinks of you and all the people who look like you-you good for nothing worthless cr*pple!
Easy wasn't it? Of course this must be done while maintaining fabulous fabulous hair while proclaiming that you are simply someone with opinions. This brings me to my next point no.8

8. Sleep around. Unless you wish to appeal to the under 16 lot- which mind you is still a considerable audience. Find a 'type' to chase e.g caucasian men, white guys, rich guys, rich white guys - that last one being the most popular. Whats that you say? But Widari YOU have a caucasian boyfriend. Why thank you for your clever insight and pointing out the obvious. If you can't spot the difference between a one-night shag after sucessfully dragging unsuspecting victim who ticks all the C's (cash,credit,car,countryclub,condo etcetc) and growing to love a friend who you've met at university (note:not seedy club/zouk/MoS) then both parties decide to cart half way around the world together, twice, you have my sympathy.

10. Swear like you have turrets. Swear to the high heavens so help me Lord! (the dirty mouth comes with the image + brings you down to the i.q level sufficient for a mass audience)

Upon following these rules, and careful photographing/editing you can bump up that little counter to the thousands! whoopee!

Now I bet you are wondering which blogs I had so innocently stumbled across and you now want to read them or oggle at their photos. See? the rules work. Now before you go searching my archives (of two months) and go: She's such a hypocrite! She's 22, lives in Singapore takes photos and has a white boyfriend. huff huff huff. Now before you hurt yourself I want you to do these two things: 1. calm down and breathe, I REALLY can't pay for your medical bill and 2.See this tongue? The one firmly planted in my cheek? Go figure.

And now.. back to Rob. xxw


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